Here is a bit of humor I wrote some time ago as my contribution to the whole redneck “thang” and thought would be a nice change of pace (My apologies to Jeff Foxworthy). I promise to get back to the immune system in the next article.

Hillbilly professors:

Spend all their Nobel Prize money on beer and cheetos.

Wear camo lab coats with the sleeves cut off.

Are not just absent minded. Their mind is really absent.

Like to read the course syllabus to the class as one extended burp.

Like to hum the tune to “Take this job and shove it” while passing by the dean’s office.

Say in their lectures, “Of course there’s a hole in the O zone. If there weren’t, it would be the big round thang zone.”

Keep a pit bull in the lab to take care of problem students and to clean up hazardous chemical spills.

Wonder why the NRA doesn’t give out research grants.

Want the administration to give Dolly Parton an honorary doctorate in Architecture.

Wonder what’s wrong with having a monster truck rally in the performing arts center.

Think those high-falutin’ fraternities and sororities should use normal letters like the rest of us.

Wonder why lady mud wrestling is not sanctioned by the NCAA.

Think Bassmasters should be on PBS.

Curse all the government red-tape that prevents studies on the use of nuclear devices in small game hunting.

Think the song “Achy breaky heart” has philosophical significance.

Spend their sabbaticals at Graceland.

Use a fishing pole as a pointer with the bait still on it.

Want Bo and Luke Duke to speak at graduation.

Frequently answer student questions in class with the phrase “Well, ain’t you a piece o’ work”.

Don’t think matriculation should be discussed in public.

Wonder why there arren’t any Rambo movies in the university film festivals.

Think the alumni is a body part.

Snicker every time they abbreviate Assistant Professor as Ass. Pro.

Like to get drunk before watching Shakespeare.

Wonder if a nuclear winter is the solution to global warming.

Believe the “Smokey and the Bandit” movies were made to expose the ultimate consequences of rampant capitalism.

Think Magna Cum Laude is latin for “Mr. smarty pants”.

Think the old washing machines in their front yard will make prime nesting sites for South American Condors.

Commonly practice yoga in front of “A Team” reruns.

Are seeking arthropod nature preserve status for each of their dogs.

Have tattoos of big hearts that say Mater.

Offer As to anyone who can “”whup” my sorry #@@”.

Wonder why Burt Reynolds never did Hamlet.

Use the overhead projector as a moving spotlight when picking a student to answer a question.

Have to periodically scrub white out off of their computer screens.

Give thirty minute lectures with, two minute commercial breaks every ten minutes.

Try to get students to go for double or nothin’ when arguing over grades.

Wonder why there are no banjos in the symphony recital.

Yell “So long sucker” after each student’s name is read off at graduation.

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